I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because today is supposedly Mom's 76th birthday... if she is still alive! It's been almost four years since we last celebrated her birthday, her last one... I did not expect that it would be her last.
Since then, everytime the month of May approaches, I always feel the stabbing pain of loneliness. I miss her so much! I couldn't control my tears everytime I think about our sweet & happy memories together. I long for the moment when I can embrace & kiss her again...like I used to!
I remembered during her wake...I asked her to take me with her...without thinking about my children, husband & Dad...I forgot to think what would happen to them if ever I went with Mom to heaven! I realized that Mom wouldn't agree with my idea, that's why she left me behind...to look after our loved ones & spend more happy days with them here on earth.
On the day of her interment, I thought I saw her ( her spirit maybe ) for the last time. I did not realize it until I was fully awake. I saw a white human figure touching my kids' feet & mine. I thought it was my aunt who was sleeping in the adjacent bedroom...the realization that our bedroom door was locked stirred me to full consciousness. So maybe that was really Mom...saying her last good byes to her loved ones.
On June 18, it will be her 4th death anniversary...another dreadful day for me! I know that gradually I'll be able to accept the fact that she had left us, that God had already taken her from us...for reasons that I still cannot understand nor accept. May God forgive me for refusing to discern His plans. I know that in time...I will accept...I will understand. I always look forward to the day when we will see each other again. Deep in my heart, she is still alive & she is my angel who guides me all the time.
I love you, Mom....Happy Birthday!... Dad & I will never ever forget you!!!
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