Remembering Mom

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because today is supposedly Mom's 76th birthday... if she is still alive! It's been almost four years since we last celebrated her birthday, her last one... I did not expect that it would be her last.

Since then, everytime the month of May approaches, I always feel the stabbing pain of loneliness. I miss her so much! I couldn't control my tears everytime I think about our sweet & happy memories together. I long for the moment when I can embrace & kiss her again...like I used to!

I remembered during her wake...I asked her to take me with her...without thinking about my children, husband & Dad...I forgot to think what would happen to them if ever I went with Mom to heaven! I realized that Mom wouldn't agree with my idea, that's why she left me behind...to look after our loved ones & spend more happy days with them here on earth.

On the day of her interment, I thought I saw her ( her spirit maybe ) for the last time. I did not realize it until I was fully awake. I saw a white human figure touching my kids' feet & mine. I thought it was my aunt who was sleeping in the adjacent bedroom...the realization that our bedroom door was locked stirred me to full consciousness. So maybe that was really Mom...saying her last good byes to her loved ones.


On June 18, it will be her 4th death anniversary...another dreadful day for me! I know that gradually I'll be able to accept the fact that she had left us, that God had already taken her from us...for reasons that I still cannot understand nor accept. May God forgive me for refusing to discern His plans. I know that in time...I will accept...I will understand. I always look forward to the day when we will see each other again. Deep in my heart, she is still alive & she is my angel who guides me all the time.

I love you, Mom....Happy Birthday!... Dad & I will never ever forget you!!!

Praying for others

I am a doctor by profession...I heal my sick patients by diagnosing their illness, prescribing medications & giving words of encouragement /assurance so that I could boost their spirits. Most of the time I am not just their doctor but also their friend whom they can trust, seek comfort & be their shoulder to cry on. There were times when my secretary would ask me why I spent so much time with some of my patients. I needed to spend some time to listen to their dilemma & pacify (in some way) their woes...I usually develop a deeper connection with them, more than just a doctor-patient relationship.

Just last week, I had a Pancreatic Cancer patient, who didn't know his dilemma. I talked with the daughter & wife more often because I could explain the patient's condition only with them. In the process, I gave them my personal opinion & inadvertently established a personal connection with them. Maybe because I had the same experience from my Mom's battle against Parotid Gland Cancer. I could relate with them, with their situation. I understand (& I can even feel) what they are enduring right now. My Mom's formidable fight has left a mark...a deep mark in my heart (that up to now is still hurting me so bad) & proved that cancer is a ruthless ailment...a merciless strife wherein no victim escapes defeat, no matter how arduous the struggle is.

It depends on how the patient himself accepts his predicament...there are those who decide to fight, but there are also who choose to simply but bravely accept their fate...so my advice largely depends on the patient's understanding & acceptance of his illness...his destiny.

After each day of work in my clinic, I pray for them because I believe that God is using me (& my fellow doctors) as an instrument for healing. I may not rescue them from cancer...or their verdict, but I may endow them with some emotional & spiritual healing. I pray for these special patients to allow God to intervene & give them their salvation. May God strengthen them more as they approach the inevitable end...

To Fight or Accept

This is for my dear Cancer patients who are still in a fight & for those who had resigned but embraced their fate with a smile!
As a doctor,it has always been a part of my daily business to meet people with ailment of different degrees. There are those with mild problems who could be sent home smiling with assurance that they will be back to their healthy states (that is if they will follow my instructions and take their medicines at the right dosage)
While there are patients who are moderately ill. They are the ones who leave my office still with a smile because they were pleased with the hope of recovery.
The last group of patients are those whom I consider special...not only because they have rare illnesses but also because theirs are the most difficult to deal with, not only in terms of treatment but on how to tell them what they have, as well. I find so much difficulty in explaining to these patients how formidable their ailments are...how obscure their chance of surviving the fight. These are usually the cases of malignancy. It is so disheartening to reveal to them such a sad & frightening news. I know that I will be adding another problem to their present dilemma---depression! To have Cancer is so hard to accept---it won't instantly sink in because your mind & heart refuse to imbibe it. You will deny that you have it because you believe that it's impossible...you can't accept it! You'll ask yourself & God why? why? why?...
As a doctor, my task is to give the cancer patients the options: either to fight with surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy...but with so little guarantee of winning!...or the patient may choose to accept defeat...accept it without fighting...yielding to what is destined to happen...the impending doom! Death is the most feared endpoint of both options...actually, this is everybody's "prize". All of us will come to this most dreaded end, but to be a cancer patient is a very difficult ballgame...nobody wins whatever you do!!! But still we want our patients to "enjoy" the remaining days of their lives...we want to give everything, to give them comfort and accept their fate with a smile! May God's will be done...