Before I was a Mom

Thanks Cheche for this nice tag!

Before I was a Mom...

~ I didn't feel any guilt even if I would go out with my friends & go home late...but now that I already have kids, I would feel so guilty even if I would be away from home for just a short period; and wherever I would be (without them), they would always be in my mind!

~ I could easily grab the opportunity (offered by the drug companies) to go to different places, here & abroad without having second thoughts...now, I had turned down a number of offers since I had my angels, because I would never go anywhere without them! I usually take them along with me (& my hubby)to all the places I go to, where we could also have the much needed bonding time.

~ I could stay inside my own room & hibernate as long as I wanted...where I could do what I always wanted--- read!read!read! (books other than my medical books :)) & do artworks!...when the kids arrived, I could count with my fingers (with just one hand) the times I was able to hold my favorite books & read them. My reading materials these days were all about parenting (at least I could still read & learn!).

~ I could sleep late...still up as late as 4AM because of any of the following : finishing a novel, scrapbooking or doing stuffs in my Adobe Photoshop, surfing the internet or reading emails, burning wires because of long chats with my buds or just writing in my journal book while listening to my favorite jazz music...when I became a Mom, staying up late meant that I was awakened by my babies' shrieks because they were hungry, had too much pee in their diapers or needed to change due to poop. I mastered the diaper changing & formula preparation...everything seemed automatic, I could do them even with my eyes half open & my consciousness just partly aware of what's going on :)

~ I would shop with priority to MY needs. I was an impulsive shopper before, when I see something that I liked so much, I wouldn't stop until I had it... but now, I frequently go to children's stores rather than my fave shops & usually go home "empty handed" (meaning I ended up having nothing for myself...all the bags were filled with my kids' stuff!).

I appreciate all of these changes in my life when my children came , my world truly turned upside down. I was able to embrace the changes with a big smile & a loadful of happiness in my heart because I realized that they were the little ones who could make beautiful changes to my life...the wonderful lessons I learned from all the experiences we had together all meant so much to me. I never imagined that I could be a mother who would sacrifice everything for my children. To give up my previous ME is all worth it!

Remembering Mom

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because today is supposedly Mom's 76th birthday... if she is still alive! It's been almost four years since we last celebrated her birthday, her last one... I did not expect that it would be her last.

Since then, everytime the month of May approaches, I always feel the stabbing pain of loneliness. I miss her so much! I couldn't control my tears everytime I think about our sweet & happy memories together. I long for the moment when I can embrace & kiss her again...like I used to!

I remembered during her wake...I asked her to take me with her...without thinking about my children, husband & Dad...I forgot to think what would happen to them if ever I went with Mom to heaven! I realized that Mom wouldn't agree with my idea, that's why she left me behind...to look after our loved ones & spend more happy days with them here on earth.

On the day of her interment, I thought I saw her ( her spirit maybe ) for the last time. I did not realize it until I was fully awake. I saw a white human figure touching my kids' feet & mine. I thought it was my aunt who was sleeping in the adjacent bedroom...the realization that our bedroom door was locked stirred me to full consciousness. So maybe that was really Mom...saying her last good byes to her loved ones.


On June 18, it will be her 4th death anniversary...another dreadful day for me! I know that gradually I'll be able to accept the fact that she had left us, that God had already taken her from us...for reasons that I still cannot understand nor accept. May God forgive me for refusing to discern His plans. I know that in time...I will accept...I will understand. I always look forward to the day when we will see each other again. Deep in my heart, she is still alive & she is my angel who guides me all the time.

I love you, Mom....Happy Birthday!... Dad & I will never ever forget you!!!