Help me discipline my kids...

" If you are a parent, recognize that it is the most important calling and rewarding challenge you have."
- Marion Wright Edelman


Yesterday morning, I was surprised by my daughter's behavior, she was irritable, shouting at & blaming her nanny for being frustrated about something...she wasn't her usual self. I got upset & couldn't control myself from scolding for such misbehavior.I couldn't forget how she looked at me...I was not so sure if it was a look of fear, pain or confusion. This suddenly reminded me of what I learned from the various books on discipline. I treasure the lessons I got from "Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking" by Jerry Wyckoff & Barbara Unell.

It is a beautifully written book that shows how to teach appropriate behavior & to raise kind, resilient, & caring children. The authors proved that the truly effective discipline is all about education, not punishment. It has taught me practical ways on how employ plenty of common sense & a lot of love to teach my children invaluable life lessons.

I realized that maybe I was preoccupied with my patients' medical problems that's why I have forgotten to take care of my own domestic distress. I reviewed the "pearls" I collected from this indispensable book. So, I sat back & reviewed the book that has been resting on my bookshelf for a couple of years. It felt like I find so much relief whenever I read this book...it has been my allay in shaping my children's behavior.

I want to share with you the priceless "pearls" :

The ABC's of Disciplined Parenting

* Decide on the specific behavior you would like to change.
...if you focus on specifics rather than abstracts, you'll manage better

* Praise your child's behavior.
...don't praise your child, but rather praise what she is doing; focus your praise or disapproval on your child's behavior, because that is what you're interested in managing.

* Continue the praise as long as the new behavior needs that support.
...praise motivates your child to continue behaving appropriately

* Try to avoid power struggles with your children.
...use techniques like Beat-the-clock ( a motivational technique that uses your child's competetive nature to encourage her to complete tasks on your timetable )
...this reduces parent-child conflicts because it transfers authority to a neutral figure e.g. a timer

* Be there.
...you don't have to be with your child every minute of every day
...just remember that your childr needs fairly constant supervision; pay close attention so that any misbehavior won't go unnoticed or uncorrected

* Avoid being a historian.
...leave bad behavior to history and don't keep bringing it up because this will just constantly remind your child of his mistakes leading to resentment & the likelihood of bad behavior

* Spanking & Shouting are counterproductive
...they never teach appropriate behavior
...all degrees of shouting & spanking give the child the wrong kind of attention
...they are punishments that simply drive bad behavior underground: it stops the behavior from happening in front of parents, but it does not stop it altogether
...they will just help the children become experts at not getting caught
...children see the world in concrete terms, they will assume that hitting must be permissible because their parents are doing it to them...HITTING BEGETS HITTING, as well as anger, revenge & breakdown of communication between parents & children.
...NO POSITIVE consequences result from spanking

* The most important factor in building and maintaining empathy in children is respecting their individuality by modeling empathy.

* Practice Self-talk
...defined as what people say to themselves that governs their behavior

These are the practical tips in raising responsible, self-sufficient & empathetic children. I hope you find these useful in your own household. I'm sure all of us parents have encountered ( or will encounter ) parenting conflicts in our lives & some of us thought that by spanking or shouting we could control our children & teach them that we are in authority & we have more power over them, therefore their own feelings were commonly ignored...we sometimes forget to respect our children's competence & individuality! Before we solve our children's behavioral problems, we have to resolve our own attitude dilemma... we need to have self-control & self sufficiency. We should model the kind of behavior we want to teach.

I hope you'll find this helpful, Che! I know that you still have a long way to go...but the preschool age is the most demanding & challenging stage! Good luck!